So I'm at the Breeze

So I'm @ the Breeze,

Bahama that is ,allowing my mind to race freely against my repressed thoughts!!! Really I was expecting to have this moment to write , it was just one of those days where for some short moments , I either left my favorite music headset @ home or left in my gymbag . And oh , the opportunity to Ponder Profoundly came... So here I am expressing my latest emotions..--simple past moments of wanting 2 scream ...... And others of shouting praises of satisfaction---this week has been filled with so many different emotions , but today is much less subtle than many of the others....---I mean How exactly is one REALLY supposed 2 respond to a " letter Of concern" from their employer during 'such' trying "economic" times stating that for once during their entire history shy 2 weeks of three years that all the negative factors of producing substandard work has finally come to fruition???? I mean , should one simply SMILE and call it a day ....or should ONE SCREAM to the top of their LUNGS simply expressing their dissatisfaction and disapproval of such works.... It's just how the "cookie" crumbles in CORPORATE AMERICA, I say....

----as aside ,why does it seem that my meal is taking its time to get here?....Alas and behold....45mins later my food arrives, leaving me only 5 mins to eat and 10 mins to drive back to work.."Priceles" the moments take while off site.....

FAST-FORWARD....and here goes the end of day ..


indeed I am complaining when really I should be content that I have EVEN "something" to be disapproving .....Ah well as usual ... My mood transformed to SOUR and eventually mellowed out as the day went on....so forth.....and still in my mind , I searched deep within for the motivation to complete my day and remembered that when it was time to go home, for ONCE I got lucky enough to close out my register @ 8:05 , which for most of you , who work RETAIL, moments like those are very rare and only happen once in a blue. The Norm time would set you from 20 mins to an hour past closing leaving even the most eager employee to disdain or frustration. ...NEVERTHELESS, I stood anxiously b/c I knew for the short moment I could erase my anxiety with "white"-turtle icecream or Tiramisu and sadly it had been at least a good 2months since my Last huge BINGE/Craving, without a doubt I gave into my craving and did !!!! I RELEASED my Retail Frustrations to my waistline and did the unthinkable leaving aside no thoughts of regret or rationalization...And to TOP the Icing on the CAKE, my even better Joys were achieved .

Some call me CRAZY or eccentric or just plain RANDOM, I pushed myself to run 6miles when My day ended, as to make up for my INSANE guilt craving. So @ like 845p , my check-in was @ my usual workout spot for a good interval jog and 20min capdown of the nicely heated sauna.... ....

FAST-FORWARD....again to the end ...me in my bed, with bliss on my way to ZZzzzzLand. good nite all...

relief of my day

So I'm sitting here in front of my desk top.... Bored to Death

My long lost love, ( BLOGGING) ....we meet again..

Just when a plain jog in the park won't do.. I'm back to free-lance writing . Whatever comes to mind first. No rhyme or rhythm, Just thoughts on paper.

- I know I need to focus...but WOW....what a weekend and it only gets more adventures as the new season as began , just trying to juggle life in general..Balancing is becoming more and more challenging. The sad but true thing, is that I am ONLY talking about myself in general. I haven't come to the time in my life where it's ( a husband, kids, career, and me).....

With that being said it's JUST ME and still I'm not balanced. I vow to take care of myself greatly so that I welcome myself into the Sexxxy 30's...With less than 2yrs left to hit that number. I must go Steady FORWARD.


When I feel mis-aligned, it usually means I'm unbalanced also =(.


-with all these quick events occurring so close in proximity, it's not really all that hard to really see why someone's world could almost turn upside down.

Anyhow, Tomorrow is another day to refocus and re-align......I will begin my focus on ME again...... Many more things to come.....I am truly excited for my personal life, as also I am working on all of my individual one on one relationships. Communication is definitely Key, so as a result never again will I continue to harbor feelings beyond that moment. Going forth, if So and when I feel frustrated with someone about whatever, I'll be sure to release it back in the air so that I can rest my head at night and hopefully resolve it with that person. So as I retire into the night......

.Best Health wishes as always.
LawinoJ

Just Being me ....June 2009

So I'm Sitting here and thinking about all of the things that have happened thus far in 2009. Today June 26, 2009 ,Who Would've figured this on a Beautiful Friday Night? As a result, I feel obliged to share my sentiments with you.

Indeed in the past few months, I managed to meander among thorns and bushes . Moreover, I have encountered many experiences from the highest of mountains to the lowest of valleys . And most of all, the biggest things that have caused these mature changes are sadly true like: the death of a loved one, the pure loss of friendship connections, life's painful lessons, and so forth. But now I will stop denying my self the moments in which this time is owed. My mindset at this present moment is to fulfill the dreams that have been already set for me. At the same time the mood at present is concurrent with the thoughts and actions of "LETTING NOTHING STOP ME" attitude.

Life, as we know it is quiet short ,my friends. Life is too short to sweat even the smallest of things. Friends I say to you, if you have any unresolved things amongst yourself, don't wait until the next day.. I beg you , don't be proud like I once was, waiting so long to tell my long-lost friend whom I deeply loved with ALL of my VERY SOUL..if ever a day went by with me not saying those simple words: "I love You"..and What would I do without you"?..and that you mean "yada yada ..blah , blah.." as it fits the situation....this moment too , it shall no longer pass. It will not pass without my thoughts exerted. I once thought that I could turn off my abilities to sympathize. VERY NOT true. To be HUMAN is to have the ability to feel or have emotions of which may also coincide with the notion of SADNESS from pain afflicted by situations. Taken for what this means, one can Speculate the moments of emotional instability, where the same individual can be Ecstatic about something and then of course, also Gravely depressed about another.

NOW as I transition to this Mature state...to whom shall I owe these burdens? I tell you from the deepest being of my heart, GO CONQUER each moment as if it is your last and LIVE it with no EXCUSES... OWN the time/hour and passing as it belongs to you. Blame only yourself for your shortcomings, but do not let it anchor you to the PAST. MOVE only FORWARD.

This new phase that I am transitioning as I say it is a WORK in PROGRESS and in no WAY will it happen overnight. GO,LIVE, LOVE,LOVE, CRY , EMBRACE and CHERISH all of the moments that are due, for you deserve that passing moment..

always and forever truest.

~Lawino-J Otto~

Papa We Will Not Forget You

Ever lose a loved? and then feel so alone?.....RIP.... this was a poem of inspiration that I wrote for my father who departed from us May 16, 2009...

It's only been a month and it still feels like yesterday... Oh how he was so loved by many and would still want the rest of us to continue his dream. This is dedicated to My Father , John Baptist Otto P'Oyat....

so please take a moment to .... here it goes....

Papa We Will Not Forget You

Papa we will not forget you, no matter what

Papa you’ve always been there for me, even times I surely felt I could not come to you, it just took a bit of time to think of all the ways I could humble myself enough to speak to you
Times changed, I grew up a little, but no matter what things I was involved in, I could only think about you and if what I was doing would please you. So highly I took your opinion. I would mention your wisdom to my friends, thinking how strong you stayed at mom’s side and with all of us. Praising God for all the days we had moments to prepare for anything, whether it be church , a school project or presentations .

As painful as it is to see you not physically here, I can surely say what a great job you’ve done . You showed us Love in every way. Not only in us, but in everyone that you encountered a conversation with .

Through your smiles, neither one of us knew how deep the physical pain you bore in your flesh. No one could truly ever know the answers that linger in our minds.
Some answers need not be answered , for they were marked days before we knew how to even cry. Now,Who to cry on ?and who to teach me to ride a bike or drive a car? Um , It was you papa that inspired me to be strong and have determination.
So you see as you know, papa, it is far too difficult to forget you, for as we know it will never happen.



But before I say goodbye to your physical being, I wish this prayer to all of us us that live on for you.

My prayer for my parents love
If only I could make you proud
Each day I think of the things that you wished for even before my day had arrived
My emotions are getting the best of me
If only I could honor you beyond your days
I think of the dreams you had before I entered this world
Pondering what if I had never been born, what kind of life would you have had?
Did I interrupt your world?
How so did I bring joy to your world?
Upon my arrival began the voyage of stress, the thoughts of how you would feed, clothe, soothe and care for me
Upon those days you lived to make a life suitable for me
Yet in days I did not understand your wisdom and benevolence
But as you are laid to rest in the soil, shall you never worry that I am cared for
As connected the other branches are here, Mom, my brothers and sisters and our beloved family and friends
Never will there be a true end , because we will all meet once again, with a path fulfilled and a dream served only with his plan.

Papa , we will never forget you,
Father no matter what, we will never forget you.
For where you are in many ways we will all be here too



~Lawino Julia Otto~

Ode to Push-Overs

Ode to push-overs,

Ode to loud nose- in my business, wannabe better than every body else people,

I am sooooo FURIOUS!!!! Trying so hard to break me. Well you can't. Get a life and

Leave me the H%LL alone, Why is it so You think that you can walk all over me? Why do You think I'm a target? Im am so sick and tired of your childish ways, your behaviors of a CONTROL FREAK, your obvious ways do not intimidate me. Only worse , to point out that your raucous behavior only demeans what benevolent intentions you may have had, stripping you of all value and lower beyond the dirt on this earth. Is it my smile of SUNSHINE that I intend with exuding with every teardrop. Is it the radiant light that I gain to feed off of?

TODAY, you've chosen the wrong day to Piss me off, …..this is too is odd to point that not at all are we in the same boat.

DON'T TEST ME!!! I may come off as easy, lighthearted, happy go lucky,, and indeed it's true. BUT TODAY, I am your worst enemy, going head to head with your worst fear. Today I will show you how you behave, what type of soup you mixed when I'm Boiling.

Ode to Push overs, Ode to Loud-Nose, Attention Grabbing, Selfish, only thinking of themselves people

Ode to Push overs, Ode to them in my business

I am only silent because I let mystery lie in its own pond. It is at worst when I don't say a thing, this way you cannot read my thoughts. Lest I keep you wondering is my secret Kryptonite.

All my Life you have soared to be me, but you cant. There's only one of me. You have dug deep into your kindest moments only to half-@ss your ways. Burning deep in your soul, pretending in my face that you adored or cared for me but deep down it hurt you that you could never truly steal my joy. Day after Day you tried so hard to figure me out. Smiling in my face, offering me gifts that didn't come from your heart only to buy yourself friendship. Your biggest motivation was finding my happiest moments and your quest was to begin tearing me down. It's too late ! the wolf in your external sheepskin has already revealed itself to me. Jealousy indeed has been known to tear even Kings to smallness. KINGDOMS have been demolished.

It wont work for you , cant you see. Greater GOOD always prevails. Haven't you learned by now, that honey equals more bees? I feel sorry for you. I've given you so many chances hoping that you would grow, and change, but you can't help it. It's not your fault, nor is it my Burden to worry even the slightest bit about you. Funny to point that it was forthcoming that your day against mine would end. It may have taken its sweet time but no longer shall you pretend in my face that you care.

So as you see;

Each day I live , I live and learn

Each day is a new start with new Hopeful Blessing

Each day is a well-earned

Finding new things undiscovered to my ownself

So even I mustn't remain stagnant for growth remains stunted as so.

As excited as I am to venture out new things and break out of my shell

Each day brings joys never treaded or never imagined

As before stated clearly, I'm done, it's a wrap, find yourself another , because your lifeline with me has ended.

I am numb to all your calls, I once cared about your feelings and what you did.

You burned me dearly and I suffered by enduring your stressful energy

After dealing with all of your drama , my energy had changed in the past, but not now. Because I nearly died, and yet instead still alive, which simply means what doesn't kill you can only makes you stronger. So it is this divine energy that has given me the strength yet to rise without you.

So yes, sadly but true,

even though I've wiped you out my life completely, there's a small residue of your being that still exists..

So, Ode to loud nose- in my business, wannabe better than every body else people.

~Lawino J Otto~

It Goes Much Deeper than we think

It goes much deeper than we think,

Sometimes in life we all stumble upon speed bumps that make
us really think deeply about what is really relevant in life!

I am thankful for even the things that I do not understand

A few days ago, an incident happened to me in which I felt
betrayed by someone in whom I held my utmost confident in.

I couldn’t believe how serious I took the matter into my
hands, instead of brushing it off lightly, those actions led me to complete
numbness,

Those feelings that I Once longed to forget, the feelings of
nothingness, loneliness, paranoia , and skepticism

Those feelings indeed ate me up inside, made me realize how
important certain characters in our life are.

Instead I could have just let it go, but I just couldn’t,
once again , as usual, it put me in a sour mood for the entire day, only
because I really coudn’t figure out why and what had really happened, then I
continued to ponder and ponder and Until I really couldn’t stand myself for
that moment.

I wanted to allow
only happy warm thoughts in my mind, my body and soul. But those feelings of
betrayal layed down so heavy that my heart began to leak, it leaked feelings of
despair ,anger, and confusion. Indeed it led me to quietness, in which in my
world is completely foreign. So anyhow, since I haven’t quiet gotten the hang
of this thing called “effective expressionism of our deepest feelings “to a
tee, I then will resort to silence. Because it is within our silence in which
we are allowed to think freely and let our mind wander. Often times we are
caught up in trivial matters that don’t aid us in development. If for just a
short moment we can allow ourselves the rich rewards of silence, we can then open up feelings of
confidence and reassurance.

Forgive me if I don’t takes things that are only meant to be
taken from the surface as so but; in reality, what lies above us is also what
lies mysteriously within us. We can never be too sure of others’ intentions but
our own. One thing for sure though, is that my guard will definitely be a
little more observant than before.

Once again in moments of silence, it is goes much deeper, much ,much deeper that we think

~Lawino J Otto~